This blog has been sputtering along for a while now. The film project has helped, but I haven’t been writing anywhere near as much as I’d like, and as much as I used to once upon a time.
The fact is that my day job has had a great deal to do with that; I’m doing something unsuited to me, for too little money, and I’ve been trying to do that for too long. The hopeful note is that I’m trying to do something about that, however, and there are some hopeful signs that things could change for the better very, very soon. But “very, very soon” is not yet, and that leaves me sort of stiff-upper-lipping my way through the days. Which gets hard.
My immediate supervisor is aware of, and endorses, my attempt to change – he agrees that I’m not in a job that fits me. Others I know outside of work have also offered to help. But someone recently gave me advice that maybe didn’t work in quite the way they thought it would; they implied that I wasn’t being aggressive enough in my search. Which stunned me, because I’d just told them in the breath before about the list of multiple job interviews I was about to have that very week. But the “advice” he gave me, nevertheless, was “less blogging, more job hunting.”
It took a minute – but I got well and truly pissed. One of the reasons I told him, long ago, that I wasn’t satisfied with my job was because I didn’t have the brainpower to do much blogging; it was a part of me that was missing and I wanted it back. And yet, here he was telling me not to do the very thing that was helping me feel most like “me”.
I chewed on that for most of the rest of that day, had a sulky dinner and went to sleep. And I woke up determined to keep blogging, to get a job even faster and get out of there. And I had a whole new motto in my head – “I’m me, so fuck you.” Trying to have fun and trying to do the things I enjoy is just as important. It reminds me that I am not just trying to survive, but I am also trying to thrive. And that I deserve both.
I’m going to devote some time this weekend to prepping for an interview. But I am also going to spend it polishing up the house and baking, reading, and defiantly being me.