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Little-Known Universal Laws

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(The busy-ness in my life is ramping up, and when that happens I get a bit punchy and try to have fun.)

There are some things which scholars would state are universally-agreed-upon constants (or at least, are so close as to being thus as to make no difference): gravity, the inevitability of death and taxes, clowns being deeply creepy on some level, etc.  I maintain that equally as true are the ones we each come up with on our own; we just don’t do a good job of publicizing them.

Here, then, is the first in what I hope will be an occasional ongoing series of lists of universal constants which are just as true, but just aren’t well known.

  • The song Low Rider is a cure for earworms. Think of it when you are trying to rid yourself of another song – it’s assertive enough that it will interrupt the cycle, but it will resist lingering in your head its own self. It is the universal solvent for shit stuck in your head.
  • If Paul McCartney takes the stage in an arena or stadium or some other similarly large venue, he will play “Hey Jude” at some point in the evening.
  • No human being should walk past a lemonade stand set up by a group of kids without buying anything. Only cases of extreme destitution are exempt.
  • Even though they’re supposedly metaphoric, the lyrics to the song “MacArthur Park” make absolutely no damn sense.
  • One from an old roommate – say you leave the house for the day, then have to turn back because you realize you forgot something.  Then you leave a second time and have to turn back again because you realize you forgot something else.  If you leave and then have to turn back a third time, that is a sign you should give up and stay home.
  • One should never, ever underestimate the ability of people to be really, really stupid.
  • There is no in-between state between the temperature of your shower being “a little too cold” and “skin-peelingly hot”.

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